Humorous and Silly

poems and songs

coffee machine (95)
no spillage 10/96)
you never said i love you (2/8/97)
David Was A Frat Boy (1/6/97)
Art These Days (6/11/97)
I've never met a midget (9/97)
Angie Kisses Girls (9/97)
attention starved (9/2/98)
material possessions (10/7/98)
who wrote the unwritten law (12/98)
Who let Jackie in? (12/98)
Someone Get the Kid Wearing Black a Tissue (12/99)
Everything About Her is Fake (01/2000)
stop bad poetry (06/24/01)
internet conversation (06/28/00)
Robert Downey, Jr (05/2001)


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coffee machine

i crave
a craving like no other
my drug my choice
coffee
lots of cream
lots of sugar
hyper activity in a cup
yet one cup is not enough
i drink by the pot
i drink by the dim light
coffee
i am addicted to it warming
my throat which goes sour without it
funnel it down
drink until the blood vessels
in my eyes swell to find light outside
stains my teeth, so i use crest
i reek from a distance
coffee
enhancing my urges
powering my thoughts
my cup
my coffee
my cup of coffee
refill it

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
no spillage

a hollow sound
like an aluminum can
crashing to a checker-tiled floor
the resonating voice of the can
in harmony with the tile
is symphonic to the hum of the fluorescent light above
the can is empty
no spillage

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
you never said i love you

Something has been bothering you,
I've noticed for quite some time.
You haven't seemed yourself,
And now I realize why.

I've been suspicious of you,
I thought there was another.
But now I know your style,
Just how many were there?

You never said I love you,
I was never sure you cared.
And when I saw you having sex,
I dropped my jaw and stared.

I didn't know whose voice,
Was coming from our bed.
But it blew my mind when I peeked in,
Her bra was on your head!

I wouldn't forgive cheating,
It's worse than a lie.
But when I saw you bumpin' tacos,
I fell to my knees and cried.

You never said I love you,
I never knew you were bi.
But I can tell you now,
All those orgasms were a lie.

You want to stay together,
You like my company.
But when you bring those girls over,
Will you let me have a piece?

I guess we'll work it out,
No more in our bed than three.
But there is one last condition,
You gotta tell me you love me.

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
David Was A Frat Boy


David joined the frat
In his freshman year
He saw them getting girls
And guzzling lots of beer

David knew at first sight
This was the path for him
Just get initiated and
He can finally be a pimp

DAVID WAS A FRAT BOY!

David was left out
He needed to get fucked
So he called up Rhonda Valdez
And it cost him twenty bucks

Then came the time
When he had to pay his dues
He said, "Just charge it to my parents
I'm a rich Jew!"

DAVID WAS A FRAT BOY!

Lambda Masta Beta
Alpha Gamma Zeta
One beer plus one girl
And you get into her Theta

Now many of you don't know David
....But I bet you do,
There's an army of these David's
And they're joining frats near you!

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
Art These Days

I just don't get the art I see
Colours thrown on a piece of paper
Sells for lots of money

Others see what I haven't found
Like how the artist feels
As he throws the paint around

That's the beauty of art these days
It can look like shit
And you can still get paid

A coked-up psycho with no paint brush
He paints with his face
This is just too much

Well here's a block of wood
I just urinated on
The going price is one hundred

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
i've never met a midget

i've never met a midget
that i can recall
but i wanna meet some little people
standing three feet tall

i wanna put my midget
in a pair of overalls
put him on a leash
and take him to the mall

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
Angie Kisses Girls

it was a little party
and no harm was meant
but angie kissed a girl
and from there it got bent

she did it for attention
not from hormones
but i hear the other girl
tried to slip her some tongue

angie kisses girls
on new years eve
angie kisses girls
for all the guys to see

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
material possessions

some girls take guys' jackets
some girls take guys' clothes
why the sentimental attachment
no one really knows

my girl has a dopey doll
i got for her birthday
she holds it close to her heart
when i am far away

some do it for trophies
some for memories
but if you want something that is mine
i hope you ask me please

material possessions
remind us every day
of little things in our lives
that happened along the way

some girls take guys' hearts
others collect alimony
either way the guy gets screwed
'cause all he'll get is pity

some guys take girls' underwear
others take virginity
but since that's taken only once
they aren't left so empty

material possessions
remind us every day
of experiences both good and bad
that have happened along the way

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
who wrote the unwritten law?

just because we're friends
shouldn't mean that we can't fuck
who wrote this unwritten law
because i think it sucks

casual sex with you
would be better than you think
it sure beats a perfect stranger
who's a prostitute for a drink

'lets just be friends'
should be tattooed on my back
from all the times i've had to hear it
i'm surprised i haven't cracked

so who wrote the unwritten law
and put an end to my fantasies
did this song earn a sympathy fuck
or do i have to ask you please

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
Who Let Jackie In?

who let Jackie in
she's drinking all our beer
loud, obnoxious girl
she's puking on the chair

no Jackie you can not
borrow twenty bucks
yes I know if you don't get money
you can't get fucked up

who let Jackie in
she made a mess of the place
she's eaten most my food
and slapped my girlfriend in the face

"I'm sorry I broke your lamp,
when I get a job I'll pay you back"
"No Jackie shut up, you're too loud,
what part don't you get about get the hell out"

oh no the landlord's coming
the neighbors hate me so
it's all your fault Jackie
just leave me alone

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
Someone Get the Kid Wearing Black a Tissue

Your poetry is whiney and tells me nothing
"numb with pain and a bloody heart"
the only thing bloody are my eyes
from having read the same trite expressions
about how you're twenty-four and still upset
over something that happened years ago.

Is this what generation x is all about?

Or does it include those wannabe-Seattle kids
with dirty fingernails and torn jeans
who pump their hamburger-flipping pay checks
on schwag only to sit around and talk about
how bored they are?

You have claims of not wanting to fit in
yet you wear goth makeup to make you special
ever think to try something more original?
Your elite club is just as unaccepting as any other
Do you see yourself with black fingernail polish
and moonlight skin when you are thirty years old?

Does the world need more art majors?

This is not a request for the conformity of your subculture.
What exactly does subculture mean?
Sub meaning below, should this imply this group is below culture?
Is this offending you or just making you more morose?
Oh don't cry, quick, someone get the kid wearing black a tissue!

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
Everything About Her Is Fake

Everything about her is fake
Her personality is blank
When I ask her a question she smiles and agrees
Many guys wonder where are all the girls like these
But meeting one is a mistake

Everything about her is fake
Her silicone boobs are great
They're bouncy, yet firm
But my gender never learns
How to find a good mate

Everything about her is fake
Her chest, her thighs, her face
She talks about nothing
She's stupid or something
But oh well, she's fun to date

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
stop bad poetry

"hate", "kill", "pain"
get a fucking thesaurus
how about "trite", "cliche", "worn"
like an overplayed chorus

when can we get poets to stop using the same old words to describe the same old rife
about how they hate the one they love and other paradoxes of life

"crying", "agony", "hurt"
get a new vocabulary
more like "over-used", "tired", "jaded"
your lack of words scares me

if i have to read one more hackneyed teen angst poem i'm going to mark it up
using a red marker and force them to write something that doesn't suck

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
internet conversation

age, sex, location
just an internet conversation
though there is a desperation
for a little education
to correct the spelling abomination

sup how r u 2day
im kool nuthin much
juz spendin ours chattin n such

c's become k's
s's become z's
kan u type more klearly pleeze

what r u up 2 2marrow
im going 2 skool
ahight thats kool

how can you misspell a misspelling
i'm not the spell check patrol
but learn a little keyboard control

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>
Robert Downey, Jr.

RDJ locked up in DOC
why Robert, won't they let you be?

everybody loves you, for everything you are
a normal guy who happens to be a star
but would you be who you are today
if they took all your pills away?

i don't judge you for what you've done
they say it's wrong, but you're only having fun
you've hurt no one and you entertain
robert, don't worry you're not insane

a master at your craft you've won awards
always in the spotlight, never been ignored
you turned to drugs for all the right reasons
guilt for having fun is all the rage this season

i don't judge you for what you've done
they say it's wrong, but you're only having fun
you've hurt no one and you entertain
robert, don't worry you're not insane

why robert won't they leave you alone
if you show up on time, why can't you get stoned?
if your work ethic is not in question
then they shouldn't check you for possession

-Derek del Barrio   <[email protected]>

All works are copyrighted ©1995-2016 by Derek del Barrio

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